Christmas 2015

It been sometime since I came back to this space.

It's BOXING day! Hope everyone had a great Christmas like me! :) Finally managed to unpack all the presents today and would like to thank all those who got me something. All thoughts are appreciated. Many many gifts this time round that I have no idea where to keep or use some of the stuff. Shall see when they will be useful! Yesterday was Christmas, I had a great & long day. I wish everyone had a great Christmas too. So long~! Till 2016~

Jittering butterflies

Each time she's invited to meet someone from his life for the first time, she feels jitter. Not sure why she's meeting this person when he doesn't really bring her out to meet people around him and yet on  the other hand, she wants to know more about his life, the people around him.

Many thoughts crossed her mind. "Why am I seeing his colleague now?", "what changed?, "why this colleague?". He has always seem like he had lead such a private life and there's not much people in his life apart from his family and a handful of friends. So, why is she suddenly invited to meet his colleague? It might be a joyous occasion, but it wasn't the first in their journey being together so what's the different in this joyous occasion that he decided to bring her along? All along, he make it seems like she does not have to meet the people around him as they are either just working colleagues or just someone of not much attachment with. No idea why, but maybe there's just differences or judgement between people.

When the day come, it was like though there were butterflies in her stomach trying to get out. The dinner was awkward. 7 people having dinner together celebrating the union of 2 person. But yet, 2 pairs of couple, the newly wed and a cheerful man who's the witness for the union of the newly wed. Different type of people on the same table, no common topic, it was really awkward. A conversation that all could speak in was just about the food on the table, telling each other to help themselves, not to be shy and stuff like that. The dinner lasted 1.5hours and was it finally over. 

Through the one a half hours, apart from eating the not so tasty food, she was also observing the newly wed,  the colleague of her man. "What kind of person has my man been hanging out and learning from?" She asked herself. But yet all she see in his colleague are traits she wouldn't want her life long partner to have. The lifestyle, the attitude, the bossiness. It makes her wonder what kind of people are there around her man. "Are they going to be an influence or him?" she questioned herself. Although knowing that the chances of him turning into like his colleagues are slim, but who knows what will change as the year goes by.

When dinner was finally over, she was so relieved. Like though the butterflies from her stomach has finally manage to escape. With question running through her mind still, but yet the first question would still be "Why am I meeting people in his life now?"

The urge within

Once in awhile, I feel opposite of what I wanna feel and yet, feelings are so hard to fully take control of. We know that in life, with every decision we make comes a consequences or result. Be it good or bad, we have to accept it as its the result of the decision we made. We can only look back and think that we made the wrong decision, if we did, and consider what are the factors we left out or forget to consider at that point of time that didn't allow us to make the right decision.

People would always say "what's done, is done". This line that came from Shakespeare's Macbeth is so commonly used in the current world. In Macbeth, this line is used when Lady Macbeth tries to calm her husband down after the murdering of King Duncan as she tries to treat Macbeth's guilty hallucinations with the blandest possible palliative. To me, this is yet another line just to make people feel better of what they have done. A line to make them believe that they have actually done their best in that situation/circumstances. I always say this when I finish a exam paper or after an assignment submission. As yes, we have done our best and now all we can do is wait for the release of the results to see how well we did. Another way of saying this line would be "what's done cannot be undone" which happen to appear in Shakespeare's Macbeth too. Down to down, this 2 line carries a similar meaning, whatever that is done can no longer be changed.

We do not want to let whatever that has happened in the past affect our current life, but that does not mean we totally forget about it. We remember the lesson we learn and keep it in us. As said by Jordan Belfort  (Wall Street): "No matter what happened to you in your past, you are not your past, you are the resources and the capabilities you glean from it. And that is the basis for all change." One might have fell and been hurt badly but when he/she walks out of it, they will remember why & how they fell and got hurt. The next time something similar happens, they know not to make the same mistake or be careless again. Though we have no idea what is gonna be happening next in our life but we can always take precaution or be always ready of what's coming.

Somethings in life we might not have control over it, neither do we have any say in it but yet we are involved. In such situations, we can only pray for the best yet expect the worst so as not to get your hopes up. This can be a very emotionally painful process. There might be a lot of ups and downs, a lot of decision that you have to watch others make and yet you could not do anything knowing that you would also be affected. The decision made by others can either tear your world apart or let you see a brighter world. But all this will only be known only after the decision has been made or the cloudy days have cleared. Not sure if the cloudy days have cleared? Close your eyes and think about how you feel. Is it less painful now? Do you see the sun rays through the dark clouds? What have you been holding on to all this time? Is it now nearer or further away?

Time and time again, I always forget the most important lesson that I've been through umpteen times. Being selfless might not necessary be a good thing. Once in awhile, people have to think about themselves. What do you want? Are you happy in this state? Is this what you wanted? Is there anything that can be done?

Key, into you

Once in awhile, we dream of waking up to the person we love lying right beside us. That very morning would be the best morning we ever get in awhile. Waking up to something like that, we know that nothing else in the world matter. Opening your eyes and seeing the person you love still asleep beside you. Observing the way they sleep. Looking at how innocent they look when they are sleeping. Listening to their breathing at their most peaceful time of the day. It's feel like you on a sweet scented field and all that matters is that person lying next to you although they are still asleep. 
Though you're not speaking to one another as he/she is still asleep but yet it's the warmest you will feel with he/she just by your side. You wake up knowing that everything will be fine as you have all you need just by your side. It's like though you woke up with the sunshine in your hands. It brightens up the rest of your day. You'll smile without knowing that you're doing so.
Everyone has little weaknesses and this happen to be one of mine. All I need was to know that he's fine and I will be too. I just needed to know he's happy and I would be glad. I just need to know that he's alright and I would be able to set my mind at ease.
Life is just so funny at time. Everyone wants to lead life their way but someone you unknowingly handed the key into yourself to someone else. This someone would then be the reason of your emotions. No matter how big or small the matter is that happens on this person, you know it's gonna be affecting you thought the actual matter might not even affect you. When we hand over this key to the special one, we might not even know that we have done so. Yet, we slowly allow them to control our emotion. 
How shall we define strong? How shall we define weak?  Who shall hold the key to you?  Or should there even be someone to hold the key into you?  

The First Year Mark

Without realising it, it has already been a year or so that we have been together. Although we agree not to count dates (exact ones), but we roughly know it's about this period of time. Time sure passes so quickly that I couldn't even believe we actually just passed the one year mark.
I wouldn't say that we have been always been smooth sailing. We do go through those ups and downs like any normal relationship. 2 major events that cause me to be really down. But it's also all this ups and downs that makes me realise how much I still want to be by his side. How much I don't wanna leave this man. All this ups and downs allows me to see things from a different prospective to protect myself and also to protect the relationship, at the meanwhile, preparing for the future.
1 year isn't really a long time I would say. There would be many more years to come (I hope). But the part that surprise is that we actually passed this mark. To be frank, when I went through those 2 downfall, I didn't see us getting through it and being able to continue as we are now. As for now, things are back to normal, or maybe slightly better than the past?, we're getting on fine. I'm happy, he's happy. We're both happy.
I appreciate all the time he tries to squeeze out for me. The little surprises he gets me once in awhile. The loving and tender voice that ask me if I'm alright when I'm exceptionally quiet. The text messages he sends to let me know how much he misses me. The effort put in to plan a day with me. The effort he takes to try and melt me. All this little things, I do notice it and I appreciate it. 
My dear, I may not be the most beautiful & gentle girl around, but I'll always try my best to understand you better. I want you to always be feeling happy, comfortable & warm whenever you're with me. I hope after giving me so much of your time, you would still have enough personal space. I don't want to be eating into your personal space. 
Whenever he's happy, I'm happy.  I loved and died. But yet, I continued to love till now. Let's hope everything goes on smoothly till the very end. Cause a quiet and peaceful life with you is more than enough.
With the man who brought me lots of tears & smile.  The man who changes me and makes feel better. Thank you ❤

The losing battle

I fought a long battle for about a month. All the while, I thought that I've been on the winning track. But not until this week then I realize I was wrong. I was losing the battle so badly.  Worst then I even imagined. Upon realizing that I'm losing the battle, it was already too late to fight further more.

Now that I've lost the battle, it's killing me from within. I wake up in the midst of my sleep due to some nightmare. I treat certain people coldly, like ice. I have one hell of attitude to protect myself.  I've become very very defensive and sensitive. With all this in me,  it's like I've lost the real me. I dislike this feeling. I dislike not being able to feel warm and love. I dislike not being as cheerful and bubbly as usual. I dislike not being able to love openly.

What have I done to deserve this, I asked myself. I guess this is just the game of life.

You once hurt someone and now someone else will come and tear your world apart. 

Bitterness

Exactly 2 weeks ago, I thought I was having a pretty bad day already as I was feeling really unwell. Just when I thought the day couldn't get any more worst, it did. Just that it got worst without me realising it till a much later day.

The very day when I have decided that it's time I took another step and share something with someone really special, something I do not share with anyone no matter how bad the condition was. I decided to wait till the end of the day to share it as that's when most people feels better to talk about things. Little did I expect that the step I took that day lead me to regrets and a greater heartbreak.

Upon knowing what has made the day worst, I had to struggle with my own emotions, I had to fight my feelings, I had to fight myself and also having to fight my heart that went cold. I'm afraid whenever my heart starts to turns cold. It's just like a block of ice, heartless & cold. I might not feel any emotions, or maybe just the minimum. I kept telling myself that I do not want to reach that stage.
Now that 2 weeks has past, why is it that the heartbreak, the bitterness and the tears are still around? I thought I could look past it like anything that has happened in the past but it was so hard. I tried, not that I didn't try to look past it, but whenever I have to take a larger step in crossing the margin that I've set up, I fell back again.
I have to let my mind fight my heart for as long as this goes on.  The painful war going on within me that is unspeakable.

Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs;

Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes;

Being vexed, a sea nourished with loving tears.

What is it else? A madness most discreet,

A choking gall, and a preserving sweet.

- William Shakespeare

2 people, adapting, adopting, trusting

At different phase of life, we meet different people. Some might mean a lot to us, while some are just passerby. As time goes by, no matter if they are passerby or if they are staying, people will change. 

People change to adapt to people around them, the society that they live in, the environment they live. Slowly, while adapting to everything around us, we change bit by bit and many does not realise it. While adapting to the person around you, you tend to pick up what they do unknowingly. Slowly their habits became yours. The way they talk and the way they think, slowly has a little trait of whom they are with. 

 When 2 people are together, trying to share their life with one another, they tend to miss out that they are actually adopting each other's habits. When she talks, you might see a little of the man she's with in her. When she thinks, you might see a little of how her man would think. Slowly, her habits change to be like her man, like the way she talks, the way she sees things, they way she understand things. As for the other half, he might be seeing things how she sees which he don't use to. He might be talking like how she's talking. He might be replying her like how she would reply him. 

 After a period of time, we see these changes, showing that 2 people are influenced by one another. It might be just a little, might be a lot, but accept the fact that he or she is now in you too. One day, you might turn back at look at how you were before being together with that special someone and realise that was quite a big difference from who you are now. I'm not saying that only your other half would influence you, anyone who you spend a substantial amount of time with would. It may be your colleagues, your close buddies, your family or anyone who you spend time with. 

 We rarely realise that we change, we're changing to adapt to who we spend our time with. This may be wanting to know the person whom we are spending our time better, we want to know how they think, how they see things and without knowing it, we stepped into their shoe, see things from their view and slowly became closer to them. 

People do not always go ahead in their path. Sometimes we stop at where we were and think about which way to go. What is in our way? Is it fear? worries? love? guilt? or it could be anything else that's stopping you. If we do not cross it, it slowly eats us up from within. (I know some people who does not feel bad when they did something, so this might not apply to everyone) All this feelings also changes a person. It stops you in the way, while eating you up from inside and you have got to fight so fiercely before these elements in your way decide to give way or after you have won the battle. 

There are people whom I'm crazy about. Most of the time, it's my other half. I'll always want to know what is he doing, how is he feeling, how is he doing, is he ok, has he had his meal, is everything at work smooth for him, did he have enough rest the night before, is he being stressed out, does he need a break. This are just questions I ask myself everyday. When you know you want to know so much about someone, on a daily basis, you know you're crazy about them. They are the first person you think of when you're awake, the first whatsapp contact to check on when you're awake to see if they have already woken up according to their last seen online timing without texting them and for the whole day, you make sure that you phone is always with you so that you don't miss out on any of your special half's text message or call. This is where you know how much this person means to you. This is where you know you're addicted to your other half, and yes, I am. 

It's an addiction. You need to hear from this person and yet you dare not ask too much as you might think that he could be busy, is it the right time to text him now, what if he is in a meeting, what if he's not free now. Our concerns for the person grow deeper & deeper but at the same time our courage grew smaller. We tend to put our other half before everything, be it decision making or anything else. Before thinking about yourself, you would ask yourself if your other half would be ok with it. You no longer think much for yourself but everything you do revolves around your special half. We know that when this happens, he/she is our universe, he/she is our life, he/she is our strength to move on. 

As time goes by, we pick up our special's half little movement. A little twitch on his eyebrow and we know height not be feeling comfortable. A little hand gesture of his could tell us what he wants. When he doesn't speak, we know he's not ready to share it yet. How much of your partner's little habits did you realise? 

Many always say that relationships are built on trust. So what happens if trust is broken? Is the relationship broken too? Most of the time, yes. How do we repair it? I have no idea, anyone wanna share? But what we know is, when this trust is broken from your special half, we experience a excruciating pain in our broken heart. We would ask ourself if we want to go throughout that again. Will our other half do it again, what can I do to trust my other half again. Why does your other half have to break the trust, what is worth your other half breaking your trust for. Is your trust for him really that worthless? Many questions will run through your mind when you reach a stage like this. 

I know that valentine day has just past, and this post might be a little too heavy for a post valentine day post. But no matter which day has just past, we know that everyday someone would be going through the heart break, someone would be just getting into a relationship, someone might be suffering a broken heart or someone might be tying the knot. Everyday, tons & millions of people would be worrying & thinking about their special half. Where would you be on everyday that you past? 

Since I fell in love with you,

I can't stop thinking about you.

I just can't live without you,

I am crazy about you.

My love is just for you,

My love is you.

 

Let the songs do the talking

I am down, on my knees

I can't take it anymore 

It's tearin' up my heart when I'm with you 

But when we are apart, I feel it too

And no matter what I do

I feel the pain

with or without you

You're my sunshine after the rain

You're the cure against my fear and my pain

'Cause I'm losing my mind when you're not around

It's all 

It's all because of you

Have you ever loved somebody so much

It makes you cry

Have you ever needed something so bad

You can't sleep at night

Have you ever tried to find the words

But they don't come out right

Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love

Been in love so bad

You'd do anything to make them understand

Have you ever had someone steal your heart away

You'd give anything to make them feel the same

Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart

But you don't know what to say

And you don't know where to start

In all of creation

All things great and small

You are the one that surpasses them all

More precious than

Any diamond or pearl

They broke the mold

When you came in this world

And I'm trying hard to figure out

Just how I ever did without

The warmth of your smile

The heart of a child

That's deep inside

Leaves me purified

Your love is like a river

Peaceful and deep

Your soul is like a secret

That I never could keep

When I look into your eyes

I know that it's true

God must have spent

A little more time on you

If I knew how to tell you what's on my mind

(Make you understand)

The I'd always be there right by your side

I'll love you more with every breath

Truly, madly, deeply do

I will be strong I will be faithful

'cause I'm counting on

A new beginning

A reason for living

A deeper meaning

My Date With The Phantom

Super excited for a date! Been quite awhile since I felt this way.
Getting myself beautifully dress so that I could enjoy my night, my date with the Phantom of The Opera!

The long awaited night finally arrive and I'm going to watch the Phantom of The Opera at Marina Bay Sands (MBS) with my dearest who got the tickets. I remember how excited I was when I heard the news of them coming to perform in Singapore. But I got so busy that I don't really have the time to get the tickets. Thanks to my bf who got the tickets if not I might not be able to watch it due to sold out of tickets probably?

The hall was full. I suppose every show is full house. The Phantom of The Opera is a really famous play/musical. People from all over the world knows about it, a little or so, or if they don't they would at least have heard of the title. 

The cast were really good. But my favourite was the phantom who was played by Brad Little. I feel that it's even better Christine who was played by Claire Lyon. This musical really brings me goosebumps and a little tears. Really fantastic musical with good cast.

The phantom, the angel of the music. The power of the musical, sang by Brad Little. Really touching, emotional & deep voice. You made the musical complete!

My favourite scene in the whole musical! The Masquerade!!

I've always love Masquerade no matter where I see it. I have always dream on attending a masquerade for as long as I have lived. I even wish I was born in the era where masquerade was still around. If I didn't remember wrongly, it was my 21st birthday which I wanted to plan a masquerade as a birthday party for myself but somehow due to some considerations, I threw the plan away. Maybe I shall do that when I reach 30!

What I love about masquerade are the beautiful dress and mask that are worn. A mysterious party of uncertainty of who is behind that beautiful mask. A night where you can really be yourself and enjoy at the same time. Dressed in the most beautiful dress, with the best ambience, dancing across the hall. Maybe I should have a masquerade wedding when I get married. I MUST BE MAD. Alright Dove, time to wake up! Masquerade no longer happen in our era :(

Lastly, not to forget the surprises from my dearest! My favourite chocolate munchies + roses. 

Thanks for all the lovely stuff that you have done. What else can I ask for or what is they left for me to ask for? You're just so perfect for me already. 

I love you more than any words can describe, my dearest hubby! Muacks!

❤❤❤❤❤

Love can be sweet too

I always feel that love can be hurting when you put yourself totally in it and that you could lose yourself in it too. I did lose myself in some of my past relationship and somehow taken for granted in someway. Guess when you're too giving, people only expect you to give and they themselves do not give any. Of course, I'm still giving what I could, but also wishing that people do not take it for granted. 

Maybe I just happen to be unlucky and met into jerks. But not to forget, there are really nice guys out there too. And yes, I've met my Mr Right. Might be too early to say and be sure about it, but time will show. After all, time always shows someone's true self.

Nowadays, relationship are killed by people who keep track of every whatsapp last seen online timing, having to seek approval for every little thing one wants to do. Somehow it doesn't lead to anywhere good. I believe both parties should have mutual understand and also some of their personal time/space, if they need. When both parties are happy with each other and also the time they have on their own, things go a longer way.

I've learned that as long as we don't have have expectation, we won't meet into disappointment. If you don't expect something, apparently there's nothing for you to be disappointed about right? When you have no expectations, thing that happen turns into surprises instead. It makes your world happier and more colourful doesn't it?

Just like a typical picture taken like this.

Can turn into this.

Surprise from my love! 

Currently my bed time partner :)

This cutey will be holding on to my heart 

I understand that I have change from:

• loving my man more to loving myself more instead *highly important!*
• the sticky and all sweet girl to the non-sticky and more cold/cool, down to earth girl (no longer fairytale, 长大了)
• the all time wanting to know where is my man to trusting that he know what he is doing and if there's a need for me to know, he'll let me know
• the girl who ask about everything to one who starts reading body language and trying to decipeher it and ask if I feel that something is amiss and not just wait
• being totally open to believing that everyone has a little secret in them that they want to keep it to their own (maybe?)

Nowadays, courting no longer works like this but somehow, the little girl inside of every lady would wish for something list this to happen, isn't it? *wink*

Or maybe we should say, how many guys out there are willing to take the extra mile for the little smile on their lady?

To keep a true relationship going happily, I guess the only ingredients really needed are trust, honesty and understanding.

And to my Mr Right, thanks for appearing in my life and sorry for the long wait you've been through. All the happiness and smiles you brought to me was real, wasn't just a dream, and it was warm. I truly hope things turn out well for the both of us and that we do reach the "happily ever after" stage. And of course, I want you to be happy always! with me of course :p *Hugs & Kisses*